PG-13, m/m
Crazy Eddie's Private Journals: Gladiator
By Tiriel
How do you spell jealous lover, or probably more accurately, paranoid lover, boys and girls? I'll give you a hint. It begins and ends with "E" and has a couple of "D"s and an "I" somewhere in the middle there. And who wouldn't be nervous in my situation? I mean, look at him. Now that I've got him, and I'm still not wholly convinced of that one, although I guess after last night I am a little more, how the hell do I expect to keep him? Look at him, look at me. It can't possibly last. And then there's those three little words. Yeah, I mean those. Outside of the "I love you man" I referred to last time I wrote, which he said over a year ago and I'm sure didn't mean in that way, he hasn't said them. This makes me doubt.
After I wrote last time, I did indeed get back into bed to wait for Cade. I barely had time to get nervous before he was here, coming through the door with coffee and donuts. I sat up and started to get out of bed, but he pointed at me and said, "Don't you move." He handed me a cup of coffee and shrugged off his jacket.
"Breakfast in bed, Foster?"
"Yeah. You got a problem with that?"
"No. Not at all." We sort of stared awkwardly at each other for a second before I finally bit the bullet and said, "Well, you made me stay here, are you gonna join me or what?" He smiled at that and started to take off his clothes. I stared. There wasn't really anything else for me to do other than drink my coffee, and I'd been too...busy...to get a good eyeful the night before.
He stripped down all the way before getting into bed next to me. I put my coffee down and turned toward him. We leaned in almost hesitantly, and bumped noses once before we actually managed to kiss. But once we did, it was somehow all okay.
"I thought for a minute when I woke up that you'd vanished on me," I said when we pulled back to look at each other.
"Nope. I guess this means you didn't decide it was all a big mistake?"
"Nope. Are you kidding me?"
"Good." He smiled. What I've come to think of as his real smile, not the one he uses when he's lying his way out of a jam or trying to get information on the latest Gua plot. And hot damn I am so hooked on that smile. Almost as hooked as I am on seeing him look totally relaxed. The smile happens more often than the relaxed thing, but there's been more than one of those moments of peace since the other night.
"Should we be leaving town?" Well, I am paranoid.
"Later. I just want a little more time before we head back out there."
"Well, you do deserve a day off every now and then."
"So do you."
So we took the morning off. And then some of the afternoon, too. As for how we spent our time, I'll just say that if this trailer's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'. I've been dying to say that.
We got back on the road early that evening, heading east on a new lead. When we stopped for the night, after we'd, uh, settled in, he told me about Healy, the old friend he thought might be able to help us on this one. He told me more about his old cellmate than he ever had about any other old friend. I think maybe he was trying to tell me that I didn't need to be jealous. I was anyway, just a little. Mostly because Healy was so rude to me, and so much of everything that I'm not.
At least this time when he went in undercover I knew that he had someone to watch his back. As long as it was his back that was being watched and not his backside, I knew I'd be happy. I did my usual waiting around in the trailer gig until he called. A nice phone call.
"Foster?"
"Yeah, Eddie, it's me. There's definitely something fishy going on here." He went on to ask me to check on the scientists, the building plans, the usual stuff. But after that, his voice softened a little and he said, "I'm really looking forward to having this one over and done with." It doesn't look like much here, but there was something in the way that he said it. I felt like he was sending me a message, that there'd be no monkey business while we were on the job, but once it was done, it'd be just the two of us again.
"Me, too," I said, smiling into the phone. We set a time to meet and that was that. Or so I thought. Things kind of went downhill after that, with Healy refusing to leave and Foster feeling responsible for him. I did talk him into letting me tag along, but then I wound up losing the gun and crawling around endlessly in those vents. Once I got out of the vents, things got even worse.
Standing in that control room, it was bad enough that Healy, who'd finally come all the way over to our side, was getting creamed by that alien Schwarzenegger wannabe, but then Cade got into the mix. I thought, *What if he dies now?* I was freaking. But I was able to help a little, and Foster made it out. Healy didn't.
Another one of his friends is dead, and I know he in some way blames himself, even though Healy had to know every time he got in the ring that he was risking his life. I tried to cheer him up, joke a little, keep things light. By mutual unspoken agreement, we left town right away after hanging Healy's plaque at the club. I reached over and held his hand while we drove down the highway. I found myself wanting to say it then, when we weren't in the middle of making love and when I hadn't just spent two weeks wondering if he was dead, so that he'd know I really meant it.
"I love you, Cade," I said, and squeezed his hand.
He pulled his hand back from mine, and a long, terrible silence fell.
"Eddie, I can't--"
"I didn't--I mean, I don't--I'm not expecting..." I trailed off, wondering if he could hear the lie in my voice.
"Eddie, listen for a second, please. I never was very good at that, even with Hannah. After she died, I felt so alone. I don't want to screw this up. And I can't take the idea of losing you like I lost her."
"You won't," I said, staring into the darkness of the road ahead.
"Don't feed me that line of crap, Eddie. It could happen to either of us, anytime. It could have happened today." The anger in his voice made me jump a little, and then it made me yell back.
"You think I don't know that? I know I haven't lost as much as you. I didn't have as much to lose in the first place. But I have lost friends in this too. And 19 million people are gonna die on the first day of the Second Wave alone if we--if you don't stop this thing. You're the Twice-Blessed Man. I'm expendable. You're not."
"You aren't expendable. Not to me."
I didn't know what to say to that. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him rub his forehead and turn to look out the window.
"Can we find somewhere to stop?"
"Sure thing." I spotted a rest area not long after, and we pulled in. Once we'd parked in a shadowy area of the lot, I turned toward him. "I don't want to die, Foster. But I will if I have to. You've known that for a while now. The only difference is that now you know that it's not just because you're the savior. So don't harbor any ideas about keeping me out of the line of fire just because I let you get into my pants."
I was pretty worked up, and he made that "okay, okay, you win" face of his--eyes wide, eyebrows raised, hands up. "Okay. Just promise me you'll be careful."
"What, like I want to die? You never listen to me when I tell you to be careful. Why should I listen to you?"
He looked at me and said, "Because the way I see it, Hannah was my first blessing. You're my second. It's 'Twice-Blessed,' not 'thrice.' If I lose you, I'll be alone in this, and I can't expect to be this lucky again." He held out a hand to me.
I took his hand and pulled him into a hug. Thank General Motors for the bench seats in the Caddy. "I worry about you, too. I'm sorry." I gave him a quick kiss.
"I know. I'm sorry."
"So, was that our first fight?" I smiled at him, hoping to see him smile back. He did.
"Not by a long shot. Too late by about a year and a half."
"Damn. I was hoping we could kiss and make up."
"You gonna let me get into your pants, Eddie?"
"No doubt about it, Foster. But not here. I think I saw a trucker looking at us funny when I kissed you."
"What are you, paranoid?"
"Ha ha. Very funny, man. If you knew what I've read about what goes on in the restrooms at these places--"
"Same kind of stuff that's gonna happen in your trailer?"
"Well, yeah, if you put it that way, but--oh, screw it. Come on." I got out of the car and headed back to the trailer. Cade followed, and I did indeed let him get into my pants. And while I'm still likely to be jealous or nervous about keeping him at the drop of a hat, and he still hasn't said he loves me, I guess I'm a little more convinced that this just might work.
-More later, Eddie
Hugs to Ellie for the idea for one of the lines in this one. -Tir