PG-13, m/m, angst
Crazy Eddie's Private Journals: Prayer for the White Man
By Tiriel
Last time I wrote anything here, I was determined to stop waiting around for Foster, to move on. So I looked up a girl I used to have a thing for way back when. A major thing, really. I considered trying to find a man to distract myself with, but I knew I'd only wind up comparing him to Cade. So I tracked down Marianne, my high school crush. Ah, the power of the internet. Meeting new people is such a drag sometimes, so I went for someone old.
And until today, Marianne had provided me with a distraction. We've just been catching up, talking about old times, but at least she gave me a different name to whisper, a different face to picture, when I come. Until today, I could think back on how I used to stare at her during class and feel a little bit of that old magic. Today that feeling was taken away from me. Maybe I'll find it again after a while, I don't know. All I know is that today there was a moment I won't be forgetting anytime soon.
So I'm working out when he calls. I figure even if this thing with Marianne doesn't work out, some extra muscle won't hurt. Never know when I'll need to fight a Gua in person, or when I might want to look for some action of a different kind. So eventually he asks me why I'm breathing hard, and I tell him. No big deal. The conversation goes on as usual, aliens, yadda yadda, get out of there, yadda yadda, and then a message from Marianne comes through. I comment on it, maybe play it up a little. Not because I'm trying to make him jealous, because I know he won't be, but because I want him to know that I have a life, and that there are people in the world who find me interesting. So I mention it, and the bastard says, "You got a girl? I'm jealous." Jealous. For about half a second I let myself believe that he meant it. One heartbeat so loud that I'm surprised he didn't hear that and comment on it. I backpedaled a little, downplayed what I'd said about her. I hate myself for that. But the thing I hate myself for most of all right now is for just how badly I wish it were true. I would damn near hand the earth over to the Gua if it would make him mean that.
Jealous. I wish. Oh, how I wish. So since the moment he said that, I've lost all enthusiasm for the Marianne thing. For all I know, she could have been replaced by a GenTech duplicate and the whole thing could be a trap. Or she could have seven kids. Either way, he's the only one I trust, and the only one I really want. I just wish he'd meant that. I wish he really were jealous. And I know he's not.
-More later, Eddie