Your Coworker Could Be A Space Alien

Rating: R
Pairing: Cooper/Rosenfield

I was home sick last week, and during my more lucid moments, I came up with this trifle- not sure if its a longish snippet or a really short story- which is based on an actual article I clipped from a tabloid a long time ago. All the quotations are directly from the real article. No sex, no angst, just flu-induced silliness, but I hope you enjoy it.

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YOUR COWORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN
by Serin


Dale Cooper was brushing his teeth in his hotel bathroom, midway through his nightly getting-ready-for-bed routine. Such homey little habits could be a source of great comfort to one accustomed to an often lonely life on the road, and as the power of any ritual lay in its faithful observance, he persisted even though tonight a much more vital source of comfort lay close at hand.

"Billy Graham says, 'You Too Can Beat Loneliness. Here's How.'"

Cooper looked up, only half surprised to hear his unspoken thoughts echoed in a flippant tossed-off remark. With the bathroom door propped open, he could see part of the room reflected in the mirror. Albert sat on the bed in his familiar arrogant slouch. He was rapidly flipping through a tabloid paper that had been left behind at the greasy spoon where they had eaten dinner, no doubt deriving an unholy amusement from what passed for news in these parts.

"'Cher Lets It All Hang Out.' Well, isn't it about time?"

Cooper rinsed his mouth and smiled. He went into the room. Albert's suit coat and tie lay neatly across the back of one of the chairs. An ashtray on the little table. Two wristwatches. Two holstered guns. Cooper picked up the jacket and hung it in the closet alongside his own. Then he sat on the foot of the bed to take off his shoes and socks.

"'Your Coworker Could be a Space Alien.'"

"Are you trying to tell me something?" While he was at it, he untied Albert's shoes as well.

"Well, let's just see, shall we? 'Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human – but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. . . Odd or mismatched clothes.'" Albert was momentarily distracted from his reading by Cooper's hand sliding up his trouser cuffs to peel off his socks. "'Often the space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt.' Hm, no, I think we've both pretty much mastered getting dressed by ourselves."

"Thank you, Albert." Cooper took both pairs of shoes to set them on the floor of the closet.

"Then again, we're both FBI agents. A space alien would have to be pretty dim not to catch on to the whole dark-suit-and-tie concept. I think I'll discard that question."

"Fair enough." Cooper unbuttoned the cuffs of his white shirt.

"'Strange diet or unusual eating habits.' Nope. Doesn't sound like anyone I know. 'Bizarre sense of humor.' Now, I object to that one. After all, humor is subjective." He looked up as if daring Cooper to argue, then watched as the shirt came off.

"Absolutely." Cooper dropped the shirt in the hotel laundry bag.

"'Secretive about what he does in his free time.' Neither of us has any to speak of, so the point is moot."

Cooper stepped out his pants and draped them over a hanger.

"'Keeps a written or tape-recorded diary.' Aha! Now we're getting somewhere.' Albert shot him a pointed glance. Again his dark eyes lingered.

"So what's the verdict?" Cooper asked.

"Inconclusive. The 'experts' say that 'a coworker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.' But their criteria are too ambiguous to be of any use." Albert tossed the paper aside as Cooper approached.

"So once again, what begins as an empirical investigation moves into the realm of ontology."

"I'm just proud we made it through that without any reference to anal probes."

"We're too mature for that," Cooper agreed. And pounced. The discarded tabloid slid across the bed and tumbled to the floor. "Now I must extract a sperm sample from you, Earthman. It will be much easier if you cooperate."

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End

Serin

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