Commodus and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
by Tiriel
PG
Gladiator
A bit of silliness inspired by my very favorite children's book, "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" -apologies, plus I don't have my copy of the book here, so I'm following it from memory as best I can. No infringement intended on that or on the film "Gladiator." Thanks to Aithine and Zoe Rayne for encouraging me.
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Commodus and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
By Tiriel
I went to sleep with my sister and I woke up without my sister, or maybe I just dreamed that she was there. I do that a lot. But anyway, I knew that it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I was on my way to Germania and when I got to the battlefield in Germania the battle was already over which was okay because I didn't want to fight anyway but then Maximus was walking with my father and all the men were cheering and I wanted to walk with my father so that all the men would cheer but my father didn't want to walk with me so he got on his horse and went away and nobody ever cheers for me. It's always Max-i-mus Max-i-mus but Commodus has the same number of syllables and everything and they still never say it.
I offered to make a sacrifice in honor of my father's triumph but he didn't want my sacrifice and he didn't want me to be emperor either. I think I'll move to Germania.
If I went to Germania then maybe they'd appreciate me because they're all a bunch of big hairy barbarians with no culture. But in Germania, they're all a bunch of big hairy barbarians with no culture, so even if they did appreciate me I wouldn't like it there anyway. And I hate mud and I hate cold and it's muddy and cold there, too, so I guess I won't go. I am vexed. I am terribly vexed.
My father wrote all this philosophy stuff and my sister had some of the virtues and Maximus had all of the virtues but I didn't have any of the virtues and the ones I did have my father didn't like anyway. And my father loved my sister better than me and he loved Maximus better than me and he loved everybody better than me so I whimpered and I whined and then maybe he loved me but I still wasn't going to be emperor so I killed him. The senators liked Maximus even though he knew nothing about politics and they didn't like me even though all I wanted to do was take away their jobs. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Even though I had Maximus' wife and child killed and his land burned, Maximus didn't die and the soldiers lied to me and now he and his wife and son are all together in the afterlife and I'm all alone here in Hades.
When I wanted to give the thumbs down to kill Maximus all the people were giving the thumbs up so I had to give the thumbs up too. Then when I did get to give the thumbs down for somebody to die (I like giving the thumbs down) Maximus wouldn't kill him. It's like my thumb doesn't matter anymore. I am vexed. I am terribly vexed.
My nephew pretended to be a gladiator. He pretended to be Maximus. He never once pretended to be emperor. When I was a little boy, all I wanted to do was pretend to be emperor. Maximus never even wanted to be emperor and my father was going to make him emperor anyway. The people called Maximus the Spaniard. They called him Maximus the Merciful. They even called him Maximus the Savior of Rome. And all they did was name a toilet after me. How vexing.
And my sister has a dead husband and a live son and Maximus has a dead wife and a dead son and I don't have a husband or a wife or a son. And I wanted an heir and I wanted my sister to be the mother and she didn't want to be and what's so wrong about that anyway?
Maximus gets to wear that blue tunic and show off his nice legs and I'm all covered up because my legs are nowhere near as nice as his. And why does he get all the women and all the men when I don't get any? I'm the Emperor, I should get anyone I want. I mean, yeah, my sister laughed when she saw it but that doesn't really mean anything because it was cold in the room. It's all terribly vexing.
I loved my people but they loved Maximus better than me, and I loved my father, but he loved Maximus better than me, and I loved my nephew, but he loved Maximus better than me, and I loved my sister best of all, but she loved Maximus better than me, even after I killed our father and threatened her son she still didn't love me best. Nobody loves me best except me.
When I embraced my father I killed him and when I embraced my sister she shuddered and when I embraced Maximus he didn't embrace me back but maybe that was just because he was chained up and I was stabbing him. When I asked my sister for a kiss all she did was kiss my forehead or sometimes blow a kiss in the air, and when I asked Maximus for a kiss he kicked me in the, well, never mind, and I know they've kissed each other so why won't they kiss me? I mean, I told him he was like my brother and he knows how I feel about my sister so he should have been able to figure it out which means he doesn't like me. He just likes his wife and my sister and that big slave guy. I am vexed. I am terribly vexed.
When Maximus and I fought, I lost my sword and he had a sword and everybody had a sword but me and nobody would give me their sword and then he hit me. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
So I was going to kill him and because I knew I couldn't kill him in a fair fight I cheated and I stabbed him before the fight but then he killed me anyway. He vexes me.
Maximus said I was afraid and so what if I was and he just wouldn't die and then finally when he did I didn't even get to see it because I was already dead. When I died I had to look into his eyes, and when he died, he got to look into my sister's eyes. Life is just not fair. I am vexed. I am terribly vexed. And you know what? It really was a terrible horrible no good very bad day.
The End
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